March 30, wee hours

Serious Warning.

 

I just spoke with my boyfriend and usual stuff we spoken about. However, my guy, just lead to a topic that made me thought so hard. It just hit him, that thought of me cheating again. I know I so lack QT with him, even with my family. I go home late from work and I’m making our house just a “sleeping and washing quarter” – which is not good. Perhaps this whole idea of everyday OT leads him to think that I am not doing well in this relationship. Must admit that I had mistakes before and that may have injured his heart and made some holes in it, those we are trying to heal up to this time.

 

I am the type that can stand the whole day not talking to him, maybe that’s one of the grounds he’s looking at, “bakit ko kaya?” I am asking the same question too, surprisingly.

 

I love my boyfriend and I know that I would deeply hurt if and when that thing – break up – happened again. We have been in that scene before – I was caught red handed and him, busted. Of course it was an all-tears moment, we broke up but it did not even last for a week! It’s just like a day or two of no talk but the time we saw each other, we just melt.

 

We never,seldom fight. Our fights would be because inaatake ako ng kaartehan sabi nga nia. Like choice of people to go with, I rarely go with him whenever they have a barkada gathering. I always find reason so I will not be able to go --- he knows that I am faking it, he just do not get the point why I need to do that. I don’t get myself too. Haha! Revealing true reason… I am losing my self confidence – especially now that I am like this – fat. I know it shouldn’t be the basis for everything but I feel so ashamed for him if we are going out. I look older than of my age, am 25 but I look 40 – well that’s OA. Hah! Although I can say I have achieved so much still I do not have the feet to stand tall.

 

He mentioned that I am superficial. I also intend to look at other persons fault and put a comment on it. Could that be a reason why I am feeling jittery all the time am with his pals?

 

I went out with a colleague last night and since we had couple of drinks, I begun to share things. I just realized that my biggest fear pala is rejection. I found out at last!

 

I fear that my bf’s friends will find me unpleasant because of my physical appearance of something. Especially recently I found out that one of his batchmates, like love him so much, since their junior years! I knew that when I opened his YM and pretended that I am him. That girl… she really went gaga and confessed her love to my dear hunny. I thought it was fun at first, since I was playing around but later on I find that she’s beginning to like the way I talk (thinking again that I am Nelson) then she started blurting out things like “I love you” and “may chance ba tayo”… scary to death~ ew.

 

Anyway, bottomline naman she realized that she just got carried away and will not do a single “bad” thing (subukan nia lang) to hurt our loveful relationship.

 

Okay, maybe I am too scared to face my dilemma and much worse, I am doing NOTHING to make things better.

 

It’s not good I know.

 

I may need your help but the change should start with me.

 

Pressing START button – NOW